The Fleecing of Stoughton, MA

Posted in 1 on July 25, 2008 by Mr. Mannypants

I had to stop for a quick bite at the Subway near Ikea.

While eating my over-toasted “veggie MAX” I overheard the following exchange:

Sandwich Artist#1: Make me a salad, bitch!

Sandwich Artist#2: Why I always gotta make you a salad? What? You stupid? Make your own!

Sandwich Artist#1: Whateva… I gotta hang this shit up anyway.

[Sandwich Artist#1 proceeds to the front window, tapes up a sign, then gives Sandwich Artist #2 a scowling look.]

Sandwich Artist#2: What’s yo problem? Why you looking like that?

Sandwich Artist#1: Oh you know. One of these you’re gonna wake up dead.

Myself (not a sandwich artist): [inner dialogue] Why do some people call them pepperoncinis and why do some people call them banana peppers? Oh, and how does someone wake up dead?

I finished and left.  When I got in the car, I looked at the sign that Sandwich Artist#1 had taped to the glass. It read:

NOW HIRING: Crab an Application.

It’s not that I don’t have thoughts…

Posted in 1 on June 27, 2008 by Mr. Mannypants

it’s just that apparently, my life isn’t as exciting as the average blogger.

Stay tuned for more updates of a mundane, quotidian nature.

I taste dead people

Posted in Eventual turning into Zombie, Health on March 26, 2008 by Mr. Mannypants

So last Friday, I was to undergo phase 2 of my dental implant procedure wherein the cover of the implant (that was screwed in during the December surgery in which they drilled a hole through my gums and jawbone) is removed and the crown attachment is inserted. However, when my doctor went to unscrew the cover–the whole implant came loose.

This is the second implant failure I’ve had in 2 years. Since I was already in the chair, and I had a gaping hole in my jawbone, she said “I’m gonna plug your hole with dead people!” She came back with what looked like a Land-o-Lakes butter packet, which she peeled open and spread onto a tiny little dental spatula, or butter knife. “This is allogeneic bone tissue, so while it’s cadaver sourced, there’s no chance of contracting anything. It’s been sterilized, treated, irradiated… no chances of disease, it’s unheard of.”

“Has it been blessed?” I asked.

“What??”

“Well, what if I have the bone tissue of a crazed serial killer? Won’t I then become one? Or at least have the jaw of one? An unstoppable, insatiable jaw hungry for the blood of others?”

She looked at me for a while, then laughed “How about I get you a script for some party favors? I mean Percocets!” Har har!

After writing out the prescription, she started stitching up the gums. “I packed it pretty tight and full in there. The stitching will last a few days, but in the meantime, over the next couple of days, don’t be alarmed if, when you’re eating or drinking, little bits of bone fragments are in your mouth. That’s completely normal.” Yum!

So now it’s Wednesday, I’m done with the antibiotics and most of the pain is gone. The problem is that now whenever anyone pops their head into my office, to exchange workplace pleasantries, I don’t even pay attention to what they’re saying. All I can do is stare at them and think–BRAINS!

In other news

“If I can’t see you, you can’t be you.”

Posted in Expository on March 18, 2008 by Mr. Mannypants

Wikipedia attributes that quote to Bishop George Berkeley. I’m sure it’s a paraphrase, but whatever–it works.

Someone told me I should have a blog, so here it is. I’ve also been told I should get a hobby, shave more often, and so on.  Apparently, people are always telling me what I should do. People… sheesh.

I guess this is a placeholder for now until I come up with something witty to rant about during stolen time at the office.  Hooray for placeholders!